The University of Minnesota Homecoming celebration is more than just a football game.
The 95-year-old tradition is a week-long celebration of campus life built around multiple wholesome events, among them a blood drive, a day of service, and, this year, a magician!
On Saturday, one Gopher student seized upon on that spirit of "service," donation of bodily fluids, and making something disappear and reappear by hooking up with his friend's mom.
The (1,000 percent true) story of the student and the "total MILF" is told in a "Dr. Date" advice column in the Minnesota Daily. The column appeared on Sunday, implying our mom-banging letter writer woke up needing immediate answers about the unmistakable combination of remorse and unfulfilled lust that follows any taboo encounter.
The advice seeker tells of spending "fifteen straight hours bouncing between houses" on Saturday, having a "great experience without watching a single minute of football." One friend's mom tagged along for the party festivities.
"Weird, I know, but she's a total MILF," he writes.
The writer knows what he's doing here. Anyone who's studied theater, dramatic literature, or porn knows that, like Chekhov's gun, a MILF introduced in Act 1 must be F'd by Act 3.
Here's how it went down:
We were discussing 80s music (I love it, she lived through it), drinking vodka and Kool-Aid, etc. Not going to lie, it was pretty great, and it’s not like she’s still married! I don’t think there’s a huge problem — but one of my friends walked in on us going at it in a frat basement closet, and he’s threatening to tell my friend.
That scuttling noise you're hearing is thousands of undergrads frantically googling "80s music" on the off chance they find themselves in just such a situation.
The mid-coitus interruption leaves the reader unclear on whether anyone in this story even wound up "homecoming," so to speak. Regardless, the writer faces a conundrum: "I want to see his mom again, but I’m scared my friend will murder me."
In response, the Daily tells the student to report the "gross and weird" incident to the aforementioned MILF-having friend and be ready to lose him over a violation of "friend code," adding: "Stop now before you find yourself hitting up your friend's siblings," Dr. Date writes, without even asking if the siblings are hot or into '80s music.
The reply seems entirely tailored to the perspective of the three students involved: the son, the friend, and the guy who walked in on the hook-up. What about the woman? Does she not get a say in whether this is a one-time-thing or merely the beginning of a love affair based on shared tastes in music and similar views on getting naked in strangers' basements?