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9 things you could spend $9,000 on instead of a Rolling Stones ticket

You can get this close to Mick, or you can own a zebra.

You can get this close to Mick, or you can own a zebra. Associated Press/Getty Images

I'm pretty sure I have never spent $9,000 on anything that did not either have an internal combustion engine or eventually result in a diploma.

I'm absolutely certain I have never spent that much on a concert ticket.

But you are not me, and perhaps you have $8,999 + applicable fees and taxes on hand, and you want to be disturbingly close to the Rolling Stones at U.S. Bank Stadium on May 16. If so, head on over to StubHub, where someone is offering tickets in the pit at that inflated price.

A bargain!

A bargain!

But.

Yes, the Rolling Stones are a great rock ‘n’ roll band. (Some might say the greatest. Even the world’s greatest.) But before you splurge, think of what else you could get for the cost of that ticket. 

Or let us do the thinking for you.

1. A PET scan at Mayo Clinic—without insurance
Whether you think you might have cancer or you’re just a fan of isotopes, nothing says “rock ‘n’ roll” like letting radioactive tracers zip through you. Best of all, this full-body imaging costs just $6,758, so you’ll have a couple thousand left over for X-rays, blood tests, and other miscellaneous lab work. Treat yourself!

2. Black market organs.
Body parts come cheaper than you might expect, if this Gizmodo article is to be believed. For less than the cost of a night with Mick and Keith, you could scoop up a pair of eyeballs ($1,525), a scalp ($607), a coronary artery ($1,525), a spleen ($508), a stomach ($508), a small intestine ($2,519), and a gallbladder ($1,219), and still have enough spare change for a few pints of blood. 

3. A zebra.
Yes, the exotic striped animal is cheaper than you probably think. You can get a zebra colt for as low as $4,200. For $9K you could probably get a deal on two zebras, mate them, sell their offspring, and buy all the Stones tickets you want.

4. A “HUGE LIGHTER COLLECTION.” 
A gentleman on Craigslist is offering “over 1,300 Vintage Lighters” and "Tobacciana Products" for $9,000. That’s a lot of lighters! And before you try any funny business, read the fine print: “ATTENTION SCAMMERS!!! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT!!! I am a retired criminal investigator!!!” 

What are all these things even?

What are all these things even? Craigslist

5. So many watches.
Why do rich people like fancy watches so much? Am I not rich because I don’t care about fancy watches, or do I not care about fancy watches because I am not rich? A question for the ages. But choose an item from this array of bling and truly, ti-i-i-i-ime will be on your side, yes it will. 

6. Your choice of pinball machine. 
They don’t call Mick Jagger the “Pinball Wizard” for nothing. Wait, that’s the other guys? Dammit. Anyway, here’s a bunch of pinball machines under $9,000.

7. A Fortress Safe Room
You won’t be singing “Gimme Shelter” when you and your loved ones are locked away, safely protected from the storm that’s threatening, in a 77-square-foot safe room from Tornado Alley Armor.

8. Six guillotines. 
OK, the material to build six guillotines, actually. Baskets sold separately.

9. Higher taxes.
If you can drop $9K on a Stones ticket, you can certainly spare more of your disposable income to help the greater good come April 15. And this way, maybe we won’t need to use the guillotines.