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Minneapolis billboards warn when temperatures will EAT YOUR GODDAMN SKIN

Remember, Minneapolis: God has abandoned us, and it's important to stay safe and look out for one another.

Remember, Minneapolis: God has abandoned us, and it's important to stay safe and look out for one another. David Joles, Star Tribune

You may have noticed that God no longer loves Minnesota and has sentenced it to die in bone-numbing, -11-degree weather.

Okay, that’s not entirely accurate: With the wind chill, it felt more like -30 Tuesday night.

It’s hard to say exactly what turned the heavens against us. Maybe they're jealous of Lizzo’s rapid ascent to goddess status. Maybe we shouldn’t have dressed up that dead rat. Who knows.

The consequences of this cruel weather are downright dangerous. Clear Channel is teaming up with Hennepin County for a peculiar partnership of sorts, rigging its downtown Minneapolis billboards to trigger special displays when temperatures reach a bracing 10 degrees below zero.

Messages include warnings about the dangers of frostbite (which can happen in minutes), and phone numbers for daytime and overnight shelters, as well as health care services for the homeless. Clear Channel is sponsoring the displays for free.

This is an example of Clear Channel's frostbite warning displays.

This is an example of Clear Channel's frostbite warning displays. Clear Channel

“We try to do good by the communities we work and play in,” branch president Dan Ballard says. Especially when those communities are routinely colder than the planet Mars.

Unless someone finds a way to please the wrathful sky God, signs might come in handy as soon as this weekend, when Twin Cities temperatures are expected to linger at or below zero.

For more information about daytime warm spaces, visit Hennepin.us.staywarm. To reserve an emergency overnight shelter bed, call Adult Shelter Connect at 612-248-2350. If you or someone else is in danger and needs treatment, call Health Care for the Homeless at 612-348-5553.