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Thank you, President Trump, for winning the War on Christmas

At the height of the war, coffee chains were using holiday-themed cups without the expressed written consent of Jesus or the National Football League.

At the height of the war, coffee chains were using holiday-themed cups without the expressed written consent of Jesus or the National Football League. Mike Licht

Fighting officially broke out in 2012. Bill O’Reilly -- the celebrated newsman, sex offender, and Paul Revere of his time – noticed an insidious communique from the White House. It was a Christmas card, but Christ was nowhere to be found.

Instead, the Obamas were wishing America – gasp! – a “happy holidays.”

So began the first shot of the greatest threat to America since the Civil War. The Obamas had launched the War on Christmas, which would eventually lead to… well, no one is quite sure.

At the height of the conflict, dozens of people – or at least, like, 26 – were spouting treasonous greetings about holidays, Hanukkah, even Kwanza. The war reached its apex earlier this year when a high school-age clerk at a Forever 21 in New Jersey, upon orders from her manager, mumbled “happy Eid” to a customer sifting through a selection of leopard print surplice wrap maxi dresses.

The collapse of America was nigh.

Enter our hero. He emerged from a McDonald’s drive-thru on a white horse (it was actually a limousine, but let’s stay with the horse thing for dramatic purposes) to prove he was the greatest American to ever live. By far. It wasn’t even close.

His name was President Trump.

At a rally in Utah, he promised to save Christmas from those heathens who were recklessly freelanced their seasonal greetings, leaving an offended toll that would eventually surpass 152 people, mostly in Texas.

“Remember I said we’re bringing Christmas back?” he thundered. “Christmas is back, bigger and better than ever before. We’re bringing Christmas back.”

During the war, most Utahans continued to celebrate Christmas, not knowing that it was supposed to be gone. But they were happy to have it back.

The president’s counterassault proved simple but deadly. He would simply say “merry Christmas,” omitting any mention of general gaiety for “holidays.” No one knows how he did it, but it worked.

The Trump administration is now claiming victory. The War on Christmas is officially over.

To celebrate, a non-profit launched by former campaign henchmen began airing a TV commercial on Christmas Day. It featured “everyday Americans” – like hedge fund managers and development speculators – thanking the president for his many triumphs. Cutting taxes. Fixing the economy. Keeping families safe.

But the most poignant moment comes at the end. It features Little Suzy, a small girl whose short life has delivered nothing but seasonal tyranny.

“Thank you President Trump for letting us say Merry Christmas again,” she announces as the commercial fades.

And with that, America was truly great again.