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The 2019 Minnesota Vikings 'Why Your Team Sucks' is here, and it's brutal

Drew Magary has little faith in Kirk Cousins. This picture probably won't help.

Drew Magary has little faith in Kirk Cousins. This picture probably won't help. Jerry Holt, Star Tribune

You know you've got some history to live down as a football team when a fan who survived a near-death experience is relieved to see you fail in the regular season instead of the playoffs.

Such was the case with Deadspin/GQ writer Drew Magary, who just about died last December thanks to a subdural hematoma, a Very Bad Head Thing that Magary describes as a "pool of blood...pressing against my brain stem." The affliction hit Magary without warning, dropping him in a barroom hallway and landing him in emergency surgery and a lengthy hospital stay. 

Magary, a former Minnesotan and long-suffering Vikings fan, was still convalescing when the team of his youth played the Chicago Bears on New Year's Eve eve. The Vikings (then 8-6-and-yes-1) absolutely needed to win, and 68,000-some people showed up at U.S Bank Stadium to watch them do it. 

The Vikings took to this opportunity like "Tommy Boy" to a potential sale. Normcore rock collector/fatalist Kirk Cousins, teammate to the best one-two punch of wide receivers in the NFL, threw for all of one hundred and thirty-two (132) yards. Minnesota scored 10 points. Chicago won handily, and Minnesota's promising season dissolved into a big sigh. 

Magary considers this a bullet dodged. Funny how a team with an "interesting" history leaves supporters with a different view of making the postseason. Other fanbases take it as an accomplishment and an opportunity. For Minnesotans, it's a failure in the making and a curse.

(Sources: This, this, this, this.)

Magary's thought process, as spelled out in his "Why Your Team Sucks" feature, was especially grim:

I watched that game from a hospital bed. Yes, I am a Vikings fan, which means all of my petty jokes about all the other teams are just as hollow as my brainpan. Anyway, when I watched the Vikings piss away a Wild Card berth, I was both annoyed and relieved. I was like oh my God I almost died. Life … Life is so very precious to me now. Life MATTERS. Thank god I don’t have to spend three more hours of it watching this team play like fucking dogshit. This team exists to disgust me.

And disgust him it does! Magary's embittered take on the season-to-be has head coach Mike Zimmer getting fired and replaced by offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak, calls Cousins a "galactic fucking dork," cites rookie center Garrett Bradbury's ability to sweat from the area near his buttocks and testicles as "the source of the River Nile," and Drew's admission that when he's coming down from being high, he thinks about the Vikings... and realizes he needs another hit.

Stick around for the brutally honest perspectives volunteered from locals, including a depiction of Minnesota's football seasons as "like David Lynch movies," meaning: "For a moment there’s a moment of hope that this will have a happy ending but the season ALWAYS concludes in the most fucked up way possible."

We'd encourage you to send good vibes toward Drew's historically hexed Vikings... but what's the point? They're damned for eternity. Want something realistic? Pray for Drew's bitter brain and your own health insurance.