University of Minnesota student group bans white people, who are sad

It's unclear if Tongues Untied's membership restrictions would allow Goldy Gopher. At least he's not white?

It's unclear if Tongues Untied's membership restrictions would allow Goldy Gopher. At least he's not white? Glen Stubbe, Star Tribune

 Know who's really got it rough these days? 

White people. Seriously!

Sure, everyone's going on about Donald Trump telling cops they should rough up "thugs," and his spooky spokesman's attempt to rub that part about sleepy poor people off the Statue of Liberty. 

Please. Cry us a river, non-whites. Did you know there's a tiny, obscure student group at the University of Minnesota specifically for LGBT people of color, and that it doesn't let in any white people? 

No, you didn't know that? Because why would you? Because who gives a shit? 

The political correctness cops at Campus Reform, that's who. A recent investigation by Mitchell Gunter -- a notably white man from South Carolina, though with a name like that, you knew that already -- blows the lid off the "Tongues Untied" student group, which describes itself as a "a space that was created by and for indigenous people and people of color who identify as queer and/or trans."

Which, if you're not one of those things... you'd think you could just move on. The U of M has 60,000 students and something on the order of fourteen hundred student groups, if you're looking for something to do. You can also form your own group. Or try getting high, or asking if anyone wants to have sex.

Mitchell, meanwhile, feels left out. He bugged Tongues Untied to see what's up with their discriminatory policies, and elicited the exact same description listed above, which he for some reason printed twice in consecutive paragraphs. 

Tongues Untied even gives a gentle pat on the back to white and straight "allies" saying they "appreciate your voices and commitment to dismantling racism and homophobia." They just ask that they occasionally have a group where they can meet alone. Is that too much to ask?

It is for Campus Reform, and for all the people angrily spreading this story, none of whom could accurately be described as "allies."

The story quotes one Tongues Untied member saying there are already so few non-whites on most college campuses, that locating those who are also queer is like "a miracle."

Now we know these aggrieved alt-right white youth are wishing for a miracle of their own: To some day wake up black and gay, so they could finally go to one of these meetings they've been hearing about. Do you think they order pizza?